I never wanted to be a mom. When I was 15 I got pregnant and then miscarried at three months. I decided that I didn't want kids. I figured I would just be an aunt to my older sister's awesome little ones. I did not think I would make a good mom, and I loved all of my freedom way to much. I figured my miscarriage was God's way of telling me that I wouldn't be a mom.
So fast forward and I meet my husband and I became pregnant almost right away. I was so terrified. What if I lost my baby again? What if I suffer from postpartum depression? What if Stuart doesn't stay with me? What if my baby hates me? So many questions!!! Then I saw the ultrasound with my baby's little heart beat, and then we found out it was a girl. My heart melted.
When she was born I felt an immediate absolutely consuming love for her. I knew that I would do anything for my little Ashlynn. She was my whole world. But I was still scared. What if I didn't wake up when she cried at night? What if I couldn't handle all the crying? What if I didn't know how to take care of her? My family were amazing and stepped up to help me when I got so stressed and scared. But everything just kind of came to me, and things turned out great.
With my second daughter I was terrified that I could not love her as much as my first. But that worry was all for nothing. I fell completely in love with Riley, too. She was so beautiful. I thought how blessed I was with 2 beautiful daughters. And again my family helped me out with everything.
Then I got pregnant with my son. Robbie was a very difficult pregnancy for me and since he was breech he was my first c-section. What if I didn't bond with him? I had heard that with c-sections it can be hard to bond with your child. What if I don't know how to take care of a boy? Robbie was born 3 weeks early and spent his first week in the Special Care Unit to help him with his breathing. Even with not being able to hold him I still fell in love right away. And my family helped me more.
I thought with three kids I was done. There was not enough of me for anymore. Then I got pregnant with my twins. Again I had a million worries. How would I take care of two babies? Would I have enough time for all my children? How in the world would I take care of 5 kids under 5 years old? And it was another c-section, so would I bond with my twins?
Well my twin girls came 7 weeks early by c-section, and spent almost the first 3 weeks in the NICU. I didn't get to spend a lot of time with them because I had to take care of my three older children. But still I love them so much. They have completed my family perfectly. And I know without my family I couldn't do this.
So why was I so scared? I doubted myself so much. I never wanted children. But God knew better than me. He blessed me with 5 amazing children. He gives me the energy to get up and clean my house everyday even when I had no sleep the night before. He gives me the patience to handle a kindergartner, 2 toddlers, and 2 preemies. He has given me an amazing family who will help me anytime I need it. And He has filled me with so much motherly love for my children. I just have to learn to trust in Him.